My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize