Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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