She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
