I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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