Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I just blew my weed a kiss
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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