can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize