Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
