Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
