every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize