this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
This toilet bowl is my home.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
