I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
its liver damage thursday
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
