This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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