And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
