ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I would fuck him just for his dog
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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