i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I deserve this hangover.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
