there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize