I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
