: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Randomize
