in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Randomize
