The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Randomize
