there's paper in my vomit.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
