How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Randomize
