listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
