I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
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