Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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