someone threw a dead crab at me
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
