i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
