You smell like a Billy Joel song
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
