I accidentally burped into my bong.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
