hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
