Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
