I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
