she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
two words...techno handjob
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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