i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
