drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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