he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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