does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Never joke about your clitoris.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize