My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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