The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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