My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
