So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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