One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
