Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Randomize