fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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