Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize
