im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
