I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
