your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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