I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Randomize
