We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
