so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
