i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
