Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
