i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
