why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
