everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
