I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
