Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
