Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
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