Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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